Goodbye 2023

Hello Stranger, 

I hope you had a lovely Christmas, or at least you got to enjoy some delicious food! 

I intend to keep this article shorter, as I know New Year’s is tonight. 

First of all, I want to thank all of you for the incredible support my previous article has received so far!!! There is a new record of 18,000 readers, almost 19,000, which is a massive jump from my June article!

You left me speechless and I am so thankful to all of you for always being here for and with me!

Last year I hoped to reach 20k, however, I also hoped to write more and this did not happen so I thought that maybe in 2024 I would reach that goal. However, now I am so close to it and I genuinely don’t know what to say.

While I can be quite talkative, experiencing speechlessness right now is a nice feeling too.

Thank you for everything…

It’s been almost four years since I created this blog and sometimes I still can't believe I have the courage to talk about my life online, as well as many traumatic experiences (let's be honest, a bit too many), but also how much I have been growing and changing as a person.

I know I should probably introduce myself to all the new readers but it is going to take me more than an article to talk about who I really am, so if ever find yourself bored or curious, there are many articles available here.

If you're eager to get to know me, I recommend starting from the very beginning.

In the meantime, I am Alexandra and I am so glad that you are here!

Now the goal for this article is to do a little self-reflection on how this year has been, and how I have been.

Strangely enough, I am not feeling very inspired today.

Two days ago I was coming back to London from Romania and I tried writing while I was waiting for my ridiculously long and uncomfortable flight to come to an end.

I wrote a lot, but it took a different turn than I was hoping for because I typically go with the flow. 

My best articles are a result of me just talking about whatever goes through my mind, of course, I don’t want to just come here and post an article where I am simply complaining about life.

We all know that life sucks, for most of us, if not almost all of us.

When I am upset, overwhelmed, sad, or I feel like my world is crumbling, my first impulse is to write, to let it all out! I know that my deepest and most personal writing comes from raw feelings, but sometimes I simply don’t want to see it written down so I fight that urge and I try to distract myself.

I am aware that when I write down something I've been avoiding, whether it's in my notes or my diary, I acknowledge and therefore feel those emotions. 

At times, I feel a bit too much and it's draining.

Sometimes it’s just overthinking, sometimes it’s underthinking but what these two things have in common is that in both situations, I fail to treat myself with the same kindness I treat others.

I keep wondering how and why it is so easy for me to be kind to others yet I am always harsh on myself, then I remember that this is how I was conditioned to be, so here I am now, my own biggest critic, and I have high expectations of myself. 

I've learned not to expect too much from those around me, and maybe you shouldn't either. Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about settling or putting up with crap.

When people show you their true face, you need to believe it. Stop thinking that people will suddenly change or treat you better. If you have communicated your boundaries, your non-negotiables, how you feel, what you desire, and the other person does not make the slightest effort to change, you need to leave!

A person who does not respect you is a person who is not afraid to lose you, therefore you cannot have expectations from someone like that but you need to have expectations from yourself. 

You need to make sure that you put yourself and your well-being first, that you don’t accept disrespect, and that you take care of yourself and you give yourself that love and approval that you so much crave from someone else.

Speaking from experience, I know too well how it feels to chase love, approval, and validation from others and it just leaves you feeling emptier than before.

I used to think that after I made my mom proud of me, I could finally be happy as well.

Turns out I couldn't be more wrong about this.

Sure, it's great that she's finally proud but it took her so long to get here and it left me feeling like I need to always try so hard to prove myself, and now I find it excruciatingly difficult to feel even remotely proud of myself.

I always need to take a step back and look at it from an objective perspective to finally see how much I have accomplished and how far I've come.

If you've been here from the beginning, you know that I don't shy away from being as transparent as I can about my life, so you know it's been hit after hit and I've tried to rebuild myself far too many times for this young age of mine.

Coming from someone who was a compulsive people pleaser at some point, it physically hurt every time I couldn't help myself. I kept doing so much for others and yet nothing for myself. I felt ashamed!

It started years ago, but it was mainly with family and I could still control it, then when I moved to the U.K. it became a way to shield myself from workplace bullying.

At least I thought it would help.

Truth be told, it did not help, instead, it made me look weak, and people always take advantage of weakness, same with kindness.

I knew it was consuming me, yet I couldn't stop. All I wanted was to be safe and keep my job because I knew I had nobody to help me.

I despised that job but I had no options, however, no matter how hard life got after I lost it (it was even worse with the au pair job which left me with PTSD after what happened that night and how I was threatened and almost hit, nevermind I can barely recall 2021), I am so god damn glad I lost those jobs because they set me free.

All these experiences almost broke my spirit, but they certainly opened my eyes!

Ever since I have been on a journey of unbecoming everything that does not serve me and causes problems.

I am not weak, I doubt I ever was. Even in my darkest days, I showed up for myself and I did not give up even though every single cell in my body was telling me to.

Has it been easy? Absolutely not!

I have been removing mask after mask to finally rediscover who I am, or better said discover because I am not the person I used to be and I am changing every day, hence why I love to call myself a work in progress!

Of course, this article is not intended to be a trip to the past but I want to tell you how different I am this year; I will be honest that this year has been very challenging and I have been so absorbed with my work, this apprenticeship and starting to build this career, however, I have made more personal progress than I thought I would despite not having much time for myself.

My tolerance for bullshit is getting lower day by day, and one day it will be non-existent.

I stand up for myself and I can easily maintain eye contact when I do so with a firm voice and without losing my temper and I might even have a smile on my face at times, I do not talk poorly of myself in front of others like I used to, and even if I brag I do it humbly and I do it exactly when I know that others consider me competition and they are trying to make me feel inferior. I handle it with grace, and that's all that I have ever wanted!

I do not overshare my life unless I want to and even then it is moderate, not talking about anything that caused me pain, I am in control this time!

Those who have met me in person in the last two years don't know much about me.

I do not accept disrespect from anyone, not even my family because, after all I have been through and all the therapy that I had to pay for, nobody is walking all over me ever again!

While I'm always kind and respectful, I prefer to be down-to-earth with everyone.

However, the moment I sense any bad intention, I switch to a strictly professional mode.

For once, my kindness doesn't make me weak, and those around me can't take advantage of it anymore!

Next year I turn 25 and I want to make sure I do everything in my power to be on the right path of becoming the person that I dream to be, a person who is unapologetically herself!

I want my non-negotiable for 2024 to be me taking care of myself, my needs, my wants, my happiness, and my health at all times. After all, I should be my biggest priority and my most fruitful investment!

I am still guilty of dimming my light at times, making myself small to not make others uncomfortable, and minimising my achievements so I don't come off as self-absorbed or arrogant. Balance is needed because I don't want to change entirely who I am, I just want to be okay and not repeat those same mistakes that marked me because every day I carry those scars even if nobody can see them...

Life won't get easier if I am never my own first choice and I always come last.

Plus, nobody is coming to save the day or fight my battles, it's just me.

I owe myself the biggest apology for everything that has ever happened to me, for all the times that I cried myself to sleep feeling like I would never be good enough no matter what I did, and certainly, I owe it to myself to build a life that I can say I am living, not just surviving!

I have always been more than good enough and it's time I start accepting it because, without acceptance, I will never be able to truly be myself and start blooming!

What I have always craved is the ability to love myself and I was wrong to think for so long that I wanted someone else's approval and validation when in fact, I want mine!

I plan to work on this in 2024 because I deserve to feel and give myself the same love that I give others!

To conclude, it is time to put ourselves first because, at the end of the day, life is meant to be lived!

I hope you will spend each day of the next year showing up for yourself and taking up space!

Please love yourself with fierceness, the same way you dream and want someone else to love you! You deserve that love, do not let pain hold you back from building the life that you dream of and that you truly deserve.

Please remember that you are not alone, I am always here and I believe in you!

May 2024 bring you only happiness, joy, love, and light!

Take care of yourself, you deserve all the best that life has to offer!

Lastly, I want to thank everyone in my life for always being for me even when it was not easy to be around me! I love you with all of my heart and you have helped me become the person that I am today! You are special, incredible, and most importantly irreplaceable.

Thank you for everything and for coming into my life to show me how it feels like to be loved and appreciated for who I am!

With much love,

A

Today's song is one I just discovered recently and I really like it, hope you will like it as well: https://youtu.be/z7E343GdJL4?si=OPt8A1G1rEOZ408R