Mental decluttering

Hello stranger,

It’s been forever since I last posted.

Considering everything that has been going on in the world, I hope life has been treating you kindly.

I want to start by saying that my June article reached 11k readers which is a new record!

Once again, I couldn’t have done this without you and your constant and continuous support!

Sometimes it feels like yesterday I started this blog, however, it's been over three years already...

Time genuinely flies, but this blog has brought endless blessings in my life and you all have a special place in my heart!

I am sorry I couldn’t live up to my promises of writing more this year (and many other things), I am just swamped with work and I barely have time for myself, and when I do have some time, I’m too tired to have any creativity left.

I wish I could always feel like writing but nowadays I don’t feel like I have much to say.

I’m just trying my best to stay afloat and learn as much as I can to secure a permanent position as a junior software engineer in April-May next year.

I feel like I hit a mental wall with many things so maybe by writing and posting this, I will be able to get some of this heaviness off my chest.

This year I have been very busy trying to, I suppose, just manage to integrate.

I guess your first job in a new field, especially tech, can truly be very demanding.

After all, it is the field where you learn something new every day, because you have to, no matter your experience and knowledge.

When you are just starting, especially coming from a different background and being self-taught, it’s even harder.

Trying to balance everything and give your best to two companies isn’t easy. Plus everyone has such high expectations of me because I always try to go the extra mile… 

I previously wrote about this a bit, but let’s talk about what a software engineering apprenticeship is like. Do keep in mind that this is my experience and by now you should know that for some reason, things are never easy for me.

All hail the endless character development!

What do I do as a software engineer apprentice? Well, I have to work at a junior level (yeah, my team is one of the least suitable for an apprentice so all my work so far has been junior to mid-level, and no, it isn’t just something I am saying, my senior colleagues and my manager have said this several times) while I am also attending modules with live workshops hosted by my apprenticeship provider every week (one day a week) on different subjects as their goal is to cover full-stack software engineering. I also have to track everything that is considered off-the-job training and it's a must to have at least six hours every week. I always keep mine at over 100%, because some weeks are harder and busier than others so it takes some of the pressure off sometimes.

On top of this, I must work on a portfolio and I have a long and very extensive list of requirements I have to meet, and I have to include evidence supporting everything, so lots of screenshots that must be redacted.

Ideally, I could meet those requirements more than once with several projects, but some of them are just too difficult and I might not be able to come across that kind of work with my team and current projects. Failure to meet every single one of them will lead to me having to rewrite the portfolio.

I am currently at ninety pages and believe me, I don’t feel like I am anywhere close to being done. I am trying to rewrite some sections and just use a better approach to have fewer pages but I want the projects to be more concise; it's so stressful and I officially have less than a month to have everything ready so I am not gonna enjoy the holidays much...

Work-wise, I am constantly switching projects every three months which can be a major headache. I don’t even get to get familiar with something and it has to be changed to something else…

At the same time, I have to try to teach myself everything.

I do consider myself lucky to have a quite laid-back team, and they do help if I ask them for help, but of course, I don’t want someone to just fix an issue for me and do the work, I want to learn and understand, so I ask questions because I want to be able to do it by myself afterward.

It’s not always easy to keep up with everything and I do wish we could stick with something for more than three months (normally for each quarter there are 2-3 or sometimes even more initiatives so realistically you don’t get to spend three months on a project either but less time and the deadlines are pretty tight).

It takes a lot of flexibility to do this, and again, my team is mostly made up of senior engineers, so while this might be easier for them, it’s not easy for me.

Although, they seem to be struggling at times too and they aren’t very content with the structure of the work either.

Most of my work has been DevOps related, and so far despite not having enough tickets for my level, I think I still managed to level up one way or another, and I’ve not only managed but somehow exceeded my team’s and manager’s expectations.

When I first joined, it felt strange to be the only woman in the team but I got used to it now.

My schedule is usually insane, and every time I check my calendar, my eyes burn seeing that most of the days I have at least three meetings, and many days I have even five meetings. It's genuinely not ideal because my focus tends to be broken and it's hard to keep up with everything so I tend to work longer hours; what's frustrating is to see most of the other apprentices not being involved much when it comes to team meetings and they have a lot of time just to work on their tickets and portfolio...

I have also been Scrum Master four times this year, so two weeks of extra responsibilities every time it's my turn and just finished my 'shift' a few days ago.

I had my first performance review with my company last month, and it went amazing!

I had three written feedback from my colleagues, the ones I collaborated the most with and it was great, my manager’s feedback was also very good.

This is genuinely helpful for my promotion after the apprenticeship and I’ve been working hard to be considered a member of this team.

I was told that I have been doing an amazing job this year, and my progress is impressive, so

I received a 'great' rating, which only 25% of people get during the performance reviews.

I also just had my fourth progress review with my apprenticeship coach and my manager, and it was also great!

The next step is Gateway! This is the stage that starts after one year of the apprenticeship (could be earlier or later than this too), and it means that I have to finish my portfolio and send it together with a work-based project proposal for the next few weeks. This starts in the second week of January for me, and it's already stressing me out, so wish me luck, please!

After the approval of the work-based project, I will work independently on a project for nine weeks, while also writing a portfolio-style 4,500-word report.

In the final stage, I will have two assessments which are like interviews and I will be asked a minimum of twelve questions in each one.

Sadly, for the first assessment, they won’t grade my portfolio per se but rather how I managed to answer those questions. Not fair, but it is what it is.

Of course, those questions are very specific to the KSBs requirements (I mentioned it in the previous articles, it stands for knowledge, skills, and behaviours, and if you are really curious then you can google them because they are dreadful and long) and they are quite tricky questions, trying to find faults in your work or what you might be lacking.

Luckily for me, my overthinking is doing me a favour as it allows me to think from different perspectives and prepare myself. Not a weakness it seems, but somehow a superpower in this case.

The second one is about the work-based project, which is the one that weighs the most.

As I mentioned, the proposal has to be approved in mid-January and it's a project I will be working on by myself, something that brings value to the company and/or solves some issues, and I can’t just start working on it now (although I wish).

However I do know what I will be working on, and I just want to read some documentation to prepare a little and maybe work on something small to practice.

For this assessment, both the work-based project and the report will be assessed, but it’s still interview style.

The most challenging part is having to complete these two assessments on the same day, it’s one hour each, and I only get twenty or thirty minutes break in between.

It’s going to be exhausting, therefore starting to prepare myself early is the most important part!

I’m pretty good at talking and I always seem prepared (so I have been told), even when I’m not, so I’ll make sure that in this situation I will excel!

My assessments will be either at the end of March or the beginning of April, I’ll let you know closer to that time, but please wish me luck!

My manager who was my team lead and my line manager just left the company last week, so now I need to work with another person for what is coming in January, aka, the hardest part, and also deal with a new team lead! Both of them want to have weekly check-ins, and I was assigned a mentor too, so weekly check-ins with three people.

So fun and they say working in tech is great for introverts, sure...

Luckily, I have perfected my ability to have conversations with absolutely anyone at this point, however, it is still exhausting most of the time, especially when you have so many things to worry about.

During the same week, my apprenticeship coach also left the company, and again, this means having to work with a new person at the very last minute to make sure I am prepared for all the assessments that I have to go through next year (kidding, everyone is on holiday so the timing is awful, I need to use my better judgment and review my portfolio after all the changes I am about to make). I am terrified because technical writing is a pain, but I had great feedback even when I thought I barely wrote enough, now I am going the extra mile so I know that I will manage it.

I am just frustrated, my energy should go into making sure I am getting ready for everything else that's coming but now I have to work on building new work relationships with three new people, luckily I know the fourth person quite well since we collaborated many times throughout this year.

However, this is not even the hard part. I was technically forced to lose a lot of precious time with extremely ridiculous requirements.

The last three months have caused lots of headaches for me as I had to take some out-of-the-blue exams which I just finished, and all because they decided to not give a damn about my previous qualifications, although everything was checked when I joined last year and I was told that everything is okay.

So, three months ago I had a weird feeling and I decided to ask my apprenticeship provider if I was in the clear for Gateway.

I can honestly say that I dislike surprises, I don’t even remember the last time I had a pleasant surprise, it’s always bad stuff that makes things harder for me, and of course, here I am again.

I was in the middle of trying to keep up with work, try to work on my portfolio (my goal was to have it finished by mid-December, but oh well...), and take additional exams that I shouldn’t have to take.

Guess what type of exams? English exams!

Despite having several qualifications from Romania showing that I had to take even more of those exams to graduate high school, I studied and finished a law certificate of higher education in the U.K. too but it did not matter to them. They wanted a certificate that was just for maths and one that was just for english...

I had several level 3 english exams showing I have an advanced level of this language and even an attestation but they said they couldn't accept it because english was taught as a second language in Romania. Yeah, exactly, it's much harder to achieve an advanced level of english with those exams when it's not your first language.

As a matter of fact, it is my fourth but never mind.

Of course, they couldn't be bothered to check my maths either and demanded a special certificate from year 10. I explained several times that my baccalaureate diploma is equivalent to A-levels (college) in the U.K., and typically, we don't receive something specific just for that particular year.

Luckily, some new certificates have been created since my graduation in 2017, and after a lot of headaches, I managed to retrieve everything from my high school and I sent it with the transcript.

In my opinion, it’s ridiculous to think another country will automatically offer a certificate just for that particular subject and year because this is what they were asking for, but after sending endless emails explaining that pigs don't fly, they finally checked for an alternative.

It was acceptable to send the certificate of graduation for year 10, even if it didn't have maths written on it, as long as the transcript could show all my final grades. They were saying that maybe it would be easier to just retake the maths exams instead of this hustle.

Again, ridiculous because I barely had any time to prepare and why should I retake exams when I already had all the evidence? Unfortunately, I had no choice but to retake three English exams, but at least I solved the maths problem which was stressing me out since I hadn't done actual school maths in almost ten years.

Wanna hear the funniest part? They were supposed to tell me in the first six weeks of the apprenticeship if they thought I needed to provide extra evidence or take other exams, not a year later and most certainly not because I asked them to double-check for my peace of mind.

The truth is that it could have happened right before my final assessments next year which would have been worse and it would have caused not only a major delay but even more stress. I saw it happening to others and it’s unbelievable because at this point it’s a pattern and they are simply incompetent.

Three months of stress, not knowing if I could sort this out on time and before Gateway, and they were taking a week to reply to me most of the time.

Right now I am overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, and angry.

It makes it very difficult to stay positive and hopeful when random obstacles come out of nowhere.

I held off posting until I knew the outcome of this, and I am glad to say that last week I finally received the confirmation that I passed those exams, my maths evidence has been accepted, and everything is okay. I asked them to send me the certificate as well because I don't want to have this issue again!

Now I have to try to work harder to make sure I finish my portfolio, and certainly can't say I will be celebrating holidays much.

On a positive note, I am now officially a buddy for one of the new apprentices and I am starting in January. You can think of it as an informal mentor, and it's been on my list for months. I am hoping it will also help with the promotion which is not guaranteed and it's very stressful to still be in limbo regarding the next steps after the successful completion of the apprenticeship. I also volunteered and became one of the office first aiders, and now my face is pretty much everywhere.

I am trying to be hopeful, I am working hard for this, and my team and manager said several times that there is no way the company won't keep me, but until I see that offer, I won't be able to relax and it's starting to get to me.

I recently had a question from a coworker I was collaborating with if after the apprenticeship I would progress straight into a mid-level role. I thought it was a joke but it was a genuine question since those KSBs expect me to know and do things that normally are done by people with more experience. Another one said that not even for his computer science dissertation he had to do as much as I am doing now with my portfolio, as well as the work-based project that is about to start.

Well, it's funny that this is my current situation, but on second thoughts, not really...

Anyway, thanks to my work being so DevOps-oriented, I am thinking of pursuing this slowly and eventually transitioning into a DevOps role, I will also choose a cloud provider and pass some exams while I am actively working on some personal projects to keep improving my skills and knowledge, because, honestly, being confused is my daily mood, just kidding, not daily but most of the time.

I have done a lot of research already and this choice seems to resonate the most with me.

I kept an open mind since I had the chance to be exposed to many things; however, the fact that I like DevOps has surprised me. But hey, I am a software engineer now, which is something I didn't think I would ever be. I guess I like surprising myself!

Going back to this, I want a specialization, I have no intention of just being a jack of all trades. I am always looking out for myself however I can, life burned me too many times and I want to have plenty of options.

Hopefully, when I am done with my crazy schedule and assessments, I will write that special and technical article about some tech roles. Rest assured, I haven't forgotten, although I am sorry if some things I said don't make much sense, I would get lost in the sauce if I included all those explanations right now and this article is already massive. However, this is my life right now as a level 4 software engineer apprentice! If you are thinking of pursuing this path, hope this article has been at least somewhat useful, and maybe enlightening of the possible struggles you might encounter. I believe it's all worth it even if it can give you several migraines.

If you've made it this far, thank you!

This pretty much sums up my year when it comes to my career!

I won't sugarcoat it; it's been challenging, demanding, confusing, and even infuriating. However, I've also made it this far, and I am very close to completing this apprenticeship, which will grant me a level 4 software engineering qualification with real-world experience (this is equivalent to the first year of university or even 1.5 since it's longer than twelve months). After that, I plan to pursue a top-up diploma to finally fulfill my higher education studies.

While I'm aware that having a degree is not mandatory in this field nowadays, it has always been a dream of mine to complete my studies. I won't stop until I turn that dream into reality.

I hope, after achieving this, to pursue a Master's degree. I don't want to attend university in person; I prefer to continue working, so online and, most importantly, part-time study suits me best.

Hopefully, I will post another short article before New Year—a little self-reflection on how I have been growing and changing as a person, as it's important to acknowledge the progress and to show myself at least some appreciation.

In the meantime, thank you once again for believing in me and helping me create this wonderful community. I can't imagine where I'd be now without writing.

You are amazing and incredible! I have missed you all so much!

If you are celebrating, I wish you a wonderful Christmas. May your life be filled with joy, love, happiness, and peace of mind!

Please take care of yourself, and don't forget to be kind not only to those around you but also to yourself!

Today's song is a new Romanian one which I really like, hope you will like it too: https://youtu.be/sONJLaqQqBg?si=zta1hBAHfSpHXUyO