Hello stranger,
I am not a writer, I am just someone who wants to talk to the world about her feelings. I like to think that this blog is somehow my virtual diary.
Do you know how important it is to have someone that would just listen to you without making you feel bad about yourself and say that what you are going through isn’t a big deal or that other people have it worse?
Well, let me tell you that it sucks when someone keeps saying that your feelings aren’t valid.
I have had people making me feel wrong about myself, like I am broken and I am not someone worthy of love because of my ‘negativity’ and because I just screw things over.
Life is hard when you feel constantly alone although you are surrounded by people, especially by those that keep saying that they want to be there for you.
Most of the time, I don’t write down my thoughts, I feel like if I just let them pass, they won’t have the power to overwhelm me. It hits differently when you can actually see them but it also makes you feel better. Even writing in my personal diary makes me feel like I am not alone.
You validate your own feelings, you show yourself some empathy and that’s when you realise that in order to move on, you need to give yourself time to heal and be gentle, your heart doesn’t need more suffering.
I felt so alone, I felt like talking about things that are affecting me or just going on in my life isn’t worth anyone’s time. Do you ever feel like that?
It took me time to face the fact that I couldn’t say or see anything positive anymore. I felt trapped and lost… It went on and on for months, that’s what depression feels like.
But remember, it’s not your fault so don’t blame yourself.
Let me share with you a bit of who I actually am.
I am a loner, I have always enjoyed being alone and my own company, I find it therapeutic. I spend my spare time reading, watching tv series, cooking, working out, getting in touch with my few friends…
I believe I am quite a productive person when I am not at work. My job, well, I am a flight attendant and I have been doing this job for 2 years now. It takes 95% of my time and energy and the truth is, it’s draining me. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sociable person too but it’s a bit heavy on your soul when you can’t be yourself around most people. You get so used to fake a smile and just pretending to be happy and living your life that you can’t actually see how much you’ve let yourself go. I know I am unhappy, I will soon change my job, move to another city and start fresh. I am working on changing my mindset. I have been planning this for over a year. The idea of starting a new life is the only thing that keeps me going. It makes me feel excited and happy and it keeps me busy.
I mourned someone’s loss for months, it felt like grieving but can you actually grieve someone who is still alive?
It doesn’t hurt anymore, I accepted the fact that he left, he isn’t coming back and he wasn’t the right person for me or I simply wasn’t the right person for him. It’s slowly becoming just a distant memory.
It made me feel heartbroken but it reminded me that my life and my happiness are in my hands.
I don’t want to keep building walls around my heart, I don’t want to feel like nobody will appreciate me or love me.
Do you know what I truly want? I want to learn how to love myself. It has always been the hardest thing for me.
I believe that life is too precious to just sit back and watch it go, time flies anyway.
I want to live! What a fool I used to be thinking that in order to be happy I need someone else.
I don’t know if anyone could relate to what I wrote here but I just want to remind you that you are not alone, your feelings are valid and things will get better.
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